A Time to Count Blessings...

So here I am...4 years later really....looking 

back on my last blog.

Jonathan did not survive his virus and died in Brigham and Women's hospital on January 31, 2010. I still can't believe it as I write these words four years later.....

The beautiful child on the top of the page is Evelyn. She was born about 2 months before Jonathan died. My first...and only at this point...grandchild, born on her dad's birthday.

How all these things came to pass, I am still not quite sure. It's all mixed up and seems almost magical to me. It is if I am, and was, on automatic pilot. 

I am able to get through most days although there are tears in all of them. Every morning I walk in the dark and look up at the stars trying to connect the dots and make some sense of it. Some days I get wisdom from the quiet...other days I accuse myself of wrongdoing and think I am serving penance for past deeds....my price is losing a husband and son.

Of course, in my heart of hearts, I know that is not true. I count my blessings everyday. My life is where it should be. I am on a trajectory of learning the most important things about myself. 

Would I trade it all to get one minute back of the past?

Yes.

New Years Eve

Happy New Year.

Jonathan and I are still here at Brigham and Womens...it's been a tough few days. We go from having moments of peace and feeling that everything will be OK, to times when the fear just overcomes us and we have to remind ourselves to keep breathing.

I won't even begin to tell you what is going on health wise with Jonathan. It's a lot to comprehend. He has just come back from liver biopsy #2 and we will find out results in the morning. I guess that will determine the course of treatment.

Right now, he is sleeping with a mix of pain killers, so that is good. I probably will head back to Lindell Ave in a little bit and give Ralph, my dog, a New's Year's treat. I may or may not watch the ball drop in Times Square. My friends, Kathy and Paul..."the innkeepers" have invited me for a glass of wine, so I may toast the New Year in with them.

New Year's Eve has never been a favorite of mine. It kind of reminds me of Labor Day. Being a teacher, it meant my holiday break was over and the beginning of a long winter had begun. Kenny and I tried many things...going out to restaurants, house parties, quiet dining at friends, but I think our favorite may have been the Three Stooges Marathon.

When I was a little girl, I watched the ball drop with Grampy Auger. Nana went to bed and he and I stayed up and snacked the night away. I can remember realizing the the switch from 1959-1960 was a big one. I must have had some premonition about the changes the 60's would usher in. It was a magnificent decade.

And here we are again of the brink of another. I can't even figure out what to hope for; I do know that I wish for health and peace for my friends. May you have a wonderful 2010.

Christmas Eve

Well, well, well. I certainly didn't expect to be in a hospital on Christmas Eve 2009. Jonathan was so looking forward to this one.

After feeling bad for him and, then for me, I realized that, once again, we have to make the best of the situation. In fact, I already have three Christmas Eve stories to relate which happened all in the course of this afternoon.

Christmas story #1:Jonathan got up to do his least favorite hospital thing of taking a shower and I was sent for supplies from the nursing station. Upon asking for shampoo,soap, etc. the woman I questioned asked who it was for. When I mentioned Jonathan's name, her face lit up. "Oh," she said, "I am praying for him. I have lifted him right up in prayer. I pray for the young ones." She smiled at me and walked away.

Christmas story #2: Last year when I was in CA with Jonathan, my teaching colleague,Kathy,gave me a silver cross to carry and said it helped her through many tough times. When I returned, I gave it back telling her that it did comfort me. It was lent to another staff member whose husband was ill and given back to me when Jonathan was readmitted here. For 2 weeks I have been looking for the cross and was upset about losing it. I looked everywhere I could think of...purse, pockets, coats, etc. Tonight, as I was walking down to get a cup of soup, I put my hand in my jeans' pocket and there it was.

Christmas story #3:Lastly, while eating my soup, I had a conversation with a very strange man who was mopping the floor in the hospital cafeteria. His conversation was about how his wife had died 6 years ago and how much he missed her, but how he knew she was with him all the time. He didn't realize, I am sure, how much his words meant to me.

So...it has been an interesting Christmas Eve. I am looking forward to my late night ride home in hopes that more angels may appear.

Merry Christmas.

December 20, 2009

HI everyone....thought I'd try my hand at a blog. I have always wanted to be a writer so maybe this is the avenue for me.

I am sitting here at Brigham and Women's hospital with my son Jonathan who is in here battling a virus. It's been a year since his bone marrow transplant in California so it is discouraging for us both to be here instead of celebrating his year anniversary on the "outside".

It is snowing today which makes it seem a little holidayish...I have been trying to do my Christmas shopping in the hospital gift shop which leaves a bit to be desired. Thank goodness for gift cards.

I am anxious to share pictures of my brand new baby granddaughter Evelyn Grace Goss born on Nicholas's birthday...I promise to download them from my camera during the winter break. She's beautiful!

Please keep prayers coming for Jonathan. This is the season of angels and I know he is surrounded by them.